Learning a new way to resolve conflict in your marriage is not an easy thing, but with commitment and a trust in the Lord all things are possible (Phil 4:13). Parts 1, 2, and 3 have now prepared us for the second step in P.R.A.Y. which is R \u2013 Reconnect with Your Spouse<\/u>.<\/p>\n
Remember what the 4-step process of P.R.A.Y. is?<\/p>\n
P<\/strong> \u2013 Part Ways \u2013 TIME OUT.<\/p>\n R<\/strong> \u2013 Reconnect with your spouse.<\/p>\n A <\/strong>\u2013 Apologize for hurt feelings or wrong doings.<\/p>\n Y <\/strong>\u2013 Yes Me \u2013 Yes, it is me that needs to make an effort.<\/p>\n After taking a time out (P \u2013 Part Ways \u2013 TIME OUT)<\/u> it is time for R \u2013 Reconnect with Your Spouse<\/u>. Hopefully when you called the TIME OUT you also scheduled the time you would return back to each other. Now that this time has arrived and you have calmed yourself and identified how you feel about the issue, it is time to R \u2013 Reconnect with Your Spouse<\/u>. This is the time to understand your spouse\u2019s feelings and concerns. It is also an opportunity for your spouse to do the same for you.\u00a0\u00a0 This is a time to listen!! This is NOT a time to solve the problem (that will be later).<\/p>\n When we reconnect we need some ground rules; the purpose of the ground rules is to keep us calm and willing to listen to our spouse.<\/p>\n Rules for Reconnecting<\/u><\/strong>. <\/strong>Remember\u2026<\/p>\n What do I mean by making sure it is SAFE for your spouse to share? It means we need to create an environment where they feel comfortable sharing their side of things. Interacting with your spouse should be SAFE at all times both physically and emotionally.<\/p>\n If you do not feel safe, tell your spouse. \u201cI DO NOT FEEL SAFE!\u201d You need to communicate what you need from your spouse to feel safe.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n The power to make our spouse feel safe or unsafe should not be taken for granted. Even when we are angry or upset we should always want our spouse to feel safe. If our spouse says they do not feel safe, we should never respond with arrogance or sarcasm, we should respond with patience and love. Ask \u201cHow can I help you feel safe?\u201d or \u201cWhat am I doing that makes you feel unsafe?\u201d When they respond, we must be very careful not to belittle or dismiss their request; listen and make the necessary changes even if you disagree or don\u2019t understand why the change is needed. This is not the time to try to convince them that they are wrong or that they should feel safe with you without the requested changes. We must make the necessary changes to help them feel safe.<\/p>\n Both my husband and I have been guilty in the past of fostering an unsafe emotional environment. This is probably pretty common among marriages, especially struggling marriages. We might role our eyes because we are tired of the same request or action from our spouse. We cross our arms, often subconsciously, because we wish we were someplace else or talking about anything else. Even more underhanded, we might take our spouse\u2019s words (from anther fight) and use them against them in this fight. We might not have called our spouse a liar directly, but choosing not to believe something they said, indirectly, is calling them a liar. All of the emotional retaliations listed above, my husband and I used to be very guilty of. The list was our toolbox of fighting. It is very sad to think of how poorly we treated each other, partly because we were mad, but mostly because we did not know any better. We did not know how to work through disagreements without forcing our will upon the other. Both being strong willed, first-born children we fought and fought until we tired each other out, never really resolving anything. The good news is that we rarely behave this way any more. We now resolve conflict in a loving and effect manner. It is this process of P.R.A.Y. that helps us keep our cool and communicate in a safe and loving environment. We hope and pray that you will find the Holy Spirit guiding you to use all or part of this process to improve your conflict resolution and your communication.<\/p>\n Our Spouse as our Enemy?<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n It can be common to feel like our spouse is our enemy when we disagree or are having conflict. This feeling of our spouse being our enemy can be created by us as a defense mechanism. Maybe we are defending or protecting ourselves from previous patterns of behavior or maybe the devil has planted doubt in us to make it difficult to reconcile. Planting doubt in our heads is a very easy and subtle way for the devil to chip away at his goal. The doubt fosters distrust and distrust breeds all kinds of cancer in our marriage to the point that marriages fall apart without much help. Every time a marriage fails the devil does his happy dance; destroying marriages is the easiest way for the devil to concur the world.<\/p>\n We need to remember to give our spouse the benefit of the doubt. Assume they are on our side even when we disagree. When we start to hear that voice in our head saying \u201cThey are against me\u201d or \u201cThey do not want me to be happy\u201d or some version like that, we need to recognize that those thoughts are the perfect invitation for the devil to mess with our head. We need to choose not to believe those thoughts and give our spouse the benefit of the doubt by replacing those words with more positive thoughts like \u201cThey do want me to be happy\u201d or \u201cThey are not against me, They are not my enemy.\u201d THIS IS NOT EASY but it is necessary. Listen to our spouse for what they are actually saying, not the thoughts in our head about their motivations.<\/p>\n Scripture to guide us when we are Reconnecting:<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n James 1: 19-20 <\/strong>\u201cTake note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for man\u2019s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires\u201d<\/p>\n Proverbs 15:1<\/strong> \u201cA soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.\u201d<\/p>\n Both of these scripture verses remind us to take a deep breath and listen; neither of which are easy to do when we are in the middle of a disagreement. Keep these scriptures close when you are practicing P.R.A.Y. Both suggestions: 1) to create a SAFE environment and 2) to not see our Spouse as the ENEMY can challenge us to our very core. When we are angry or hurt or we feel we have done everything and our spouse is the problem, the last thing we want to do is to make accommodations for them. It feels unfair. These scripture verses help us remember that to be a Servant Spouse means to put ourselves aside and do the best thing even when we do not feel like it. Even when we have given our 110% and they have given very little, we need to keep doing the best thing.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Part 3 of this series addressed feelings, so if you need a refresher about feelings not being wrong you might return to that post:<\/p>\n Now that you know the ground rules during Reconnect, it is time to actually Reconnect!!<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n Your assignment during R \u2013 Reconnect with Your Spouse<\/u> is to really \u201cnail\u201d your spouse\u2019s point of view. Really get it. Your effort will be rated its highest when you truly understand your spouse\u2019s feelings. When you can communicate your spouse\u2019s feelings back to them fully and completely, you really reconnect.<\/p>\n We have 2 ears and just one mouth because listening is more important than speaking. You will have a chance for your side to be heard but first we need to understand our spouse\u2019s point of view, not argue with it but understand it.<\/p>\n Remember\u2026<\/p>\n Who goes first?<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n You will both have an opportunity to share your thoughts on the issue, but someone must go first. You will take turns being the Sharing Spouse and the Listening Spouse. We recommend the person who brought up the issue or appears to have the strongest feelings take their turn as the Sharing Spouse first. If you cannot decide, then we suggest the wife goes first.<\/p>\n Sharing Spouse \u2013 Share using the 3 F\u2019s<\/strong><\/p>\n When you are the Sharing Spouse use the 3 F\u2019s as a guideline to expressing your thoughts.<\/p>\n The 3 F\u2019s are:<\/p>\n\n
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