I would guess you are feeling one of two ways at this point in the series. 1) If you have been reading but have not been practicing the process you are most likely loosing your patience wondering when you will actually get to solve the problem, 2) if you have been doing ALL of the work along with the series you most likely are feeling closer to your spouse; most importantly you can see some new possible solutions have been revealed from better understanding your spouse\u2019s point of view.<\/p>\n
Parts 1, 2, 3, & 4 of the series have now prepared us for the last two steps in P.R.A.Y. and solving the problem.<\/p>\n
Remember what the 4-step process of P.R.A.Y. is?<\/p>\n
P<\/strong> \u2013 Part Ways \u2013 TIME OUT.<\/p>\n R<\/strong> \u2013 Reconnect with your spouse.<\/p>\n A <\/strong>\u2013 Apologize for hurt feelings or wrong doings.<\/p>\n Y <\/strong>\u2013 Yes Me \u2013 Yes, it is me that needs to make an effort.<\/p>\n This post will focus on A <\/u><\/strong>\u2013 Apologize for hurt feelings or wrong doings<\/u> & Y <\/u><\/strong>\u2013 Yes Me \u2013 Yes, it is me that needs to make an effort<\/u>. In the last post \u2013 Part 4, we focused on R \u2013 Reconnect with your spouse.<\/u> The more effort you put into R \u2013 Reconnect with your spouse<\/u> to listen and understand your spouse\u2019s feelings and concerns the more equipped you will be to successfully complete the last two steps of P.R.A.Y.<\/p>\n Next we need to move onto step 3 of P.R.A.Y. = A <\/u><\/strong>\u2013 Apologize for hurt feelings or wrong doings<\/u>. During the R \u2013 Reconnect with your spouse<\/u> process your spouse shared feelings and concerns related to the issue at hand. Look at their stated feelings and concerns (use the 3 F\u2019s from Part 4 to review what they said) and identify at least one thing you can apologize for. This is a very humbling process.<\/p>\n Do I really have to apologize? Is this a necessary step? This is a very important and humbling part of the process. The point of this apology is not to establish blame. The point of this apology is to let our spouse know we have listened to them, we are empathetic to their feelings\/situation, and we are sorry for our short-comings and our contributions to the conflict (intentional or not). The reality is our relationship with our spouse is a two-way street and because we are human, we are sinners full of flaws and imperfections. We can always do more and be better. Learning to apologize as part of this process will bring you closer to each other.<\/p>\n Three little words \u201cI AM SORRY\u201d are very powerful and can bring down walls we might have built between us. When you apologize, make it truthful, but find something. \u201cI am sorry for having hurt you,\u201d or \u201cI am sorry for not respecting your feelings,\u201d or \u201cI am sorry for not being more observant?\u201d Or \u201cI am sorry I made assumptions instead of asking\u201d or \u201cI am sorry for what I have done,\u201d etc,<\/p>\n During P \u2013 Part Ways \u2013 TIME OUT<\/u> and R \u2013 Reconnect with your spouse<\/u> when you are truly trying to understand your spouse and working to be a Servant Spouse, you will feel compelled to apologize. This will become a more natural step in the process of P.R.A.Y. as you practice it more and more. At first, this may not be so natural. You may need to fight yourself internally to say the words \u2018I AM SORRY\u2019 out loud. This takes humility.\u00a0\u00a0 I cannot tell you how difficult this was for me. Remember, as I have said over and over again, my natural response to everything has always been that I am right and therefore would not have anything to apologize for. \u201cBeing right\u201d all the time, or believing I was J, was not my only problem. Some how I also felt that being right gave me permission to communicate my opinion in whatever manner I wanted to. I could be rough, direct, matter of fact and I did not realize how that came across to my spouse. Looking back I was arrogant and rude and I allowed myself to be that way because I was \u201cright.\u201d Well, that is NO WAY to engage with my spouse, my life partner, and someone I love. I needed to learn to be a listener, to be empathetic, and to share my opinion as an option and not the be all, end all!! All of these changes required a large dose of humility and a significant amount of practice and prayer. These behaviors were learned and now I needed to unlearn them. Another hurdle to implementing these needed changes was my attitude toward apologies. I associated apologies with weakness; so saying the words meant I was weak. I could not have been so wrong. It took me a long time to learn that humility gave me strength and it strengthened my marriage. Ultimately I needed to choose to be strong in my marriage rather than being so self-focused. Early on, when we were learning to go from fighting and yelling to resolving conflict lovingly, I had to ask for a second TIME OUT. When we finished R \u2013 Reconnect with your spouse<\/u> and we were ready to share our apologies I would need to excuse myself from my husband, go into our closet, and practice saying the words \u201cI am sorry\u201d. It was so foreign to me and it took real focused effort to say the words and to be genuine. Over time I learned to apologize more naturally and today it is second nature and very genuine. So I very much understand that you might be fighting this step, but please don\u2019t. If I had not learned these last 2 steps (A \u2013 Apologize & Y \u2013 \u201cYes Me\u201d), I am certain our marriage would have failed and it would not have been because my husband was so terrible to me for so long, it would have been that I was unable to improve myself. In the process of improving myself, God changed my husband too. Had my husband gotten better and I had stayed the same, we still would have failed. There is ALWAYS something we individually can do to be more holy and more virtuous, and that is what will save and protect our marriages.<\/p>\n What about forgiveness? When you apologize, be careful not to demand forgiveness. What? Are you kidding? Isn\u2019t forgiveness important? Yes, of course, forgiveness is important but saying \u201cI AM SORRY\u201d and asking for forgiveness does not necessarily mean your spouse is ready to forgive you. Forgiveness, while desired, cannot be expected or demanded. Forgiveness will come when the person having been wronged is ready to forgive. Forgiveness is not a small thing, especially when a spouse has been harmed deeply. Being harmed by your \u201cother half\u201d can cause a human response of division and loss of trust. \u201cYou have hurt me and I am not sure how to overcome that hurt.\u201d<\/p>\n Forgiveness is vitally important to a marriage and we are called to forgive but sometimes it is expected to soon. If you spouse is not yet ready to forgive you please do not hold it against them. We have learned that forgiveness is a place a spouse gets to after acceptance of suffering and the understanding of humility. Forgiveness may come sooner and more naturally on a smaller matter. When faced with a severe or large matter or a repetitive matter, forgiveness is not always natural and we need to rely on our relationship with Christ to help us get to the point of forgiveness.<\/p>\n Lets Look at the example of Susan and Paul<\/strong> <\/em>(A \u2013 Apologize for hurt feelings or wrong doings<\/u>):<\/p>\n Susan to Paul – Susan is the Sharing Spouse and Paul is the Listening Spouse<\/u><\/p>\n Paul to Susan – Paul is the Sharing Spouse and Susan is the Listening Spouse<\/u><\/p>\n In the A \u2013Apologize for hurt feelings or wrong doings<\/u> step we would recommend that the person who shared last give the apology first, but ultimately it can be done in what ever order the Holy Spirit calls on you. <\/em><\/p>\n Paul\u2019s apology to Susan<\/u>: \u201cI am sorry I never thought about how lonely it would be having to do the dishes on your own, I never meant to make you feel that way.\u201d<\/p>\n Susan\u2019s apology to Paul<\/u>: \u201cI am sorry I got so upset. I did not realize how much frustration had been building up in me. I am also sorry for not being sensitive to how tired you are after work and your need to unwind.\u201d<\/p>\n Think about what are you sorry for, what will you ask forgiveness for?<\/strong><\/p>\n Ok \u2013 Now that the apologies have taken place, it is time for Y <\/u><\/strong>\u2013 Yes Me \u2013 Yes, it is me that needs to make an effort<\/u>. What? Why \u201cYES ME\u201d, why is it me that needs to make the effort? Shouldn\u2019t my spouse have to make an effort? Why do I need to do all the work? Funny, how our human nature wants to take over and look to the other person for change instead of ourselves. Remember, we are looking to strengthen our marriage as a Servant Spouse. This may also take some getting used to.<\/p>\n It is a human reaction to expect the other person to change to accommodate our needs. \u201cAfter all we would not be fighting if they would just<\/u><\/em><\/strong> change?\u201d BUT we are called to be selfless. More progress is made in our relationships when we spend time reforming ourselves rather than worrying about the other person\u2019s reform.<\/p>\n\n
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